you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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