They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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