My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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