Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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