Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
