when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
