So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Let's paint friendship bongs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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