i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
