I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
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My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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