Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
