I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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