Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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