I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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