God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
