We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
