the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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