if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
