i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
