The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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