I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
