Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
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i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's official drugs can't kill me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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