I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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