Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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