I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
