Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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