Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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