My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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