maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
