did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
