I got chris browned last night
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
