pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
