i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
