His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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