Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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