I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I met the friendliest cop last night
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
