The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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