his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
