Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I deserve this hangover.
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