Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
