Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
