someone threw a dead crab at me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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