This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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