My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
