I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
