Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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