I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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