onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Even my vagina gasped.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
