if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
