something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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