im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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