Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
