Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
this beer tastes like vomit already
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
