Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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