Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
