Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
