we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
