did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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