You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think I have vodka in my lungs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
