Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I think my vagina is haunted
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
